Thursday, January 22, 2009

In Homage to (William) Burroughs: 50 Ways To Kill A Squirrel

‘No one owns life. But anyone with a frying pan owns death.’
- William Burroughs

William Burroughs killed his beloved wife with an arrow. It was an accident. He lived to shoot arrows and junk again, as well as to write many fine books. I love William Burroughs. I would never kill anyone I was married to, had sex with, or knew in even a passing sense. I would also never harm a stranger. That said, I think I’d be lying if I said I never fantasized about shunning someone who had hurt my feelings or the feelings of others I love. Most people just have quick, fleeting thoughts, like 'I hate that person, I wish he/she would just go away.’

Being a writer- and a writer who spends an inordinate amount of time not writing anything that could even loosely be referred to as ‘literary product’ - I have had the opportunity to embellish my mental fantasies on ways in which murder might be accomplished. If you’ve ever killed a character in a fictional story, you know it is a most exhilarating feeling; certainly the creative process is a fine way of venting any unhealthy or aggressive feelings. I love men, but I do think that throughout history, some of them have frankly wanted killing - women, too, but not as many. Far be it from me to actually harm a hair on the head of anyone. In fact, I have never 'made plans' or written a homicidal checklist of any kind whatsoever.

Yet someone - a crazed individual who is very ill and needs immediate apprehension - has left a many-paged list in my mailbox, and the list was scrawled in a loose, feminine hand. I’m almost certain it was a woman who wrote it. It was balled up, and the final pages were smeared beyond recognition with something that may have been blood, motor oil, or a chemical compound.

As I transcribed it for local police, I found it just horrifying; I'm sure you will, too. In addition to notifying the local authorities, I’m posting it here; if any of these terrible things happen to anyone you know, I would urge you to contact the Twin Cities Police Department in Marin County, California.

50 Ways to Kill a Squirrel

Apparent Suicide

1.Invite him out for a cozy picnic on a sultry night; make sure he drives. During the al fresco meal of home made fried chicken and potato salad, tell him you can’t wait to get him to his house because you are going to ‘blow his mind.’ As he pulls his car into his garage, unbuckle your seatbelt and cuddle close to him, kiss him. Unbutton your blouse and make out with him for a few minutes in his car. Pull on a bottle of tequila as you pass four Nembutals into his mouth. Administer blowjob. When he dozes off, open the car door windows, turn his ignition on, close the garage doors and exit his property. (Leave a typed note in on his windshield that says, “Please forgive me. I can't bear one more day of wingtip shoes, suits and tues, when all i ever wanted was to wear a simple black dress, spectator pumps and a strand of pearls.”

2 Bring him breakfast in bed, having crushed 20 tabs of Ecstasy into his morning coffee. Wait until he comes onto it, and say you’re going to the store for lubricant. Nail him into his bedroom, disconnect the phone. put on a loud, continuous loop of Oklahoma! The Soundtrack on his sound system. hit Shuffle.

Household Tips / Deaths From Heloise!
Recipes for Success

Recipe no 1
For the bachelor with taste

Decaf Coffee
Ten Xanax (1 mg each)
Duct Tape
Surprise Handjob

Crush Xanax into his coffee. Slather your hands with lotion, sit in his lap and administer handjob. As he dozes, close and seal all the windows and doors with duct tape. As you‘re leaving his stylish flat, turn on the gas on his Viking stove all the way up .

Recipe no 2
For the simple, everyday man in your life; a gentle Rebuff

1 can red spray paint (permanent)
Dark of night

Go to his studio apartment where he is hidey-holed up. And on the exterior of his front door, paint: Tim G. is gay! He gave me AIDS!!!!

Recipe no. 3
All Occasion: Fun and Run


Mix together and put in a bucket perched right above his front door. Ring the bell and run.

Manners of Harm Which Make Even Seasoned Policemen Wonder

1 Fill a condom tip with exploding powder. Reseal carefully and place in nightstand drawer. Break up with him.

2 Using a long, thin surgical tube, inject finely crushed dynamite into his fine Havana cigars.

3 Coat his cigarettes with kerosine (odor free variety)

4 One week before the first of the month, place way too much acid on the sticky part of the envelope of his yet-unpaid mortgage bill. Send one live iguana to his home for the next seven days.

Deaths Of Psyche

1 Enlist him into the war on Iraq. (Get office stationary from local recruiter)

2 Call him under the guise of the IRS and tell him when he can expect a visit to his office. Ask him to gather all his receipts and tax records from the last eight years. Follow up with letter.

3.During sex, in a halting voice, describe a 'really crazy---like, pornstar crazy!' fantasy you know he’ll love. Give him a ‘Safe word’ to say if he gets uncomfortable or scared, i.e., ‘doorknob’. Dress in g-string. Attach regulation police handcuffs to his wrists and lock them securely over his head. Put a Mexican wrestlers mask on his face and tie it tightly. Dance and writhe and sing La Bamba. Tie his ankles to the bedposts with leather straps Tape his mouth shut and leave the room. Re-enter room. Begin to tape his nostrils shut, run out of tape. Send someone for more duct tape. After he’s exhausted and has stopped trying to say “doorknob! Doorknob!” call his immediate family and tell them that Tim needs them to come over, right away.

Cars And Motorcycles: The Handiest Weapons Around

1 One night when you’re leaving his place, ask him to stand behind you, to see if your brake lights work. Put it in reverse and gun it.

2 Cut the brake lines in his motorcycle (most have one). Slice his motorcycle helmet chinstrap and tape it together loosely with Scotch Brand Magic Invisible Tape.

3 Tell him you car’s been leaking oil and ask if he can look underneath. When he does, kick the jack out.

Most Accidents Happen In The Bathroom

1 The Phil Bronstein: At dawn, place one komodo dragon in the small half bath of his home. Leave super fast.

2 Dip his razor in arsenic/hemlock (research)

3 Place Drano in his showerhead. Grease the tiles under the shower with a thick layer of Vaseline or careful not to....

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